Personal: False Hope

1:59AM

February 5, 2017. I think what they say is right – that nothing good happens after 2:00. In my case, before writing this, I’ve been struggling with lapses and anxiety attacks already. A single memory comes back, biting me – then all of a sudden, rippling to more memories. This weekend last year- is the weekend I took the University of the Philippines Aptitude Examination (where unfortunately I failed). This weekend last year, I came home early to meet him after his Friday Touch training. This was the weekend he almost lost his eyeglasses at Sunken Garden. This was the weekend I experienced to sit in the middle of Sunken Garden under a clear, dark sky with the one I can say “I want.” This was the weekend we ate somewhere in Area 2. This was the weekend you first held my hand. This was the weekend you asked me if I wanted to ask something because the prior week we had a fight. This was the exact weekend your father arrived from the US. This was the weekend you weren’t able to meet me up after my law school examination because you had to accompany your father in buying a new fridge. Yes, this weekend a year ago is one of the happiest weekends of my life. I didn’t mind traveling for six to seven hours to see you. I didn’t give a fck on how much I will spend just to be with you. Yes, this weekend a year ago is one of the happiest weekends of my life. Pero kung anong kinasaya ko noon ay siyang kinalungkot ko ngayon. I hate to admit but that’s how clear my memory of everything is. And it still breaks me. It still hurts. I’m having a hard time putting myself together.

My lapses brought me here, writing at this hour, of what happened then.

I just hope they don’t come back, biting you too.

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Personal: Why do I do what I do?

Living with depression is not easy. It is not going to be easy. It will and always haunt you no matter what time of the day and where you at at any very moment.

Some people think I’m only trying to seek and get attention – that I’m too needy; but life would be so easy for me if that is just my intention. To the people who don’t understand my depression:

I’m depressed. It’s a disorder. It’s a sickness; not just attention-seeking. Since it is a sickness, it needs cure. I have chemical imbalance in my brain that needs understanding and support.Depression is completely different from having mood swings. Again, it is a sickness and it doesn’t go away easily. I’m not sad; I’m not as well happy. I feel empty and numb and I don’t know why or for what reason. I’m not lazy. I’m just not motivated (to even live for one more day).

My episodes are different from mood swings and are not planned. They just happen and I, myself can’t even understand why. Please understand why I go out and spend a lot of time with friends. It’s because I’m afraid to be left alone with my thoughts; because I don’t know what harm I can or may do to myself when left alone with (racing) thoughts.

Please understand why at the same time, or at some times, I want to be alone. Sometimes I just need to be alone to think of some things; I just need time for myself. I ask you to please try to understand and never leave. Please understand why I want to travel often, do service or attend dance classes. I’m just trying to escape from the harsh realities in my head.

It’s not because I wanted to be in this situation. It’s not my choice. It just happened. It’s not that I’m enjoying my case and don’t tell me it’s just a phase. It’s a disorder – not whatever you’re thinking at the moment.