Personal: Why do I do what I do?

Living with depression is not easy. It is not going to be easy. It will and always haunt you no matter what time of the day and where you at at any very moment.

Some people think I’m only trying to seek and get attention – that I’m too needy; but life would be so easy for me if that is just my intention. To the people who don’t understand my depression:

I’m depressed. It’s a disorder. It’s a sickness; not just attention-seeking. Since it is a sickness, it needs cure. I have chemical imbalance in my brain that needs understanding and support.Depression is completely different from having mood swings. Again, it is a sickness and it doesn’t go away easily. I’m not sad; I’m not as well happy. I feel empty and numb and I don’t know why or for what reason. I’m not lazy. I’m just not motivated (to even live for one more day).

My episodes are different from mood swings and are not planned. They just happen and I, myself can’t even understand why. Please understand why I go out and spend a lot of time with friends. It’s because I’m afraid to be left alone with my thoughts; because I don’t know what harm I can or may do to myself when left alone with (racing) thoughts.

Please understand why at the same time, or at some times, I want to be alone. Sometimes I just need to be alone to think of some things; I just need time for myself. I ask you to please try to understand and never leave. Please understand why I want to travel often, do service or attend dance classes. I’m just trying to escape from the harsh realities in my head.

It’s not because I wanted to be in this situation. It’s not my choice. It just happened. It’s not that I’m enjoying my case and don’t tell me it’s just a phase. It’s a disorder – not whatever you’re thinking at the moment.

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