Personal: False Hope


February 5, 2017. I think what they say is right – that nothing good happens after 2:00. In my case, before writing this, I’ve been struggling with lapses and anxiety attacks already. A single memory comes back, biting me – then all of a sudden, rippling to more memories. This weekend last year- is the weekend I took the University of the Philippines Aptitude Examination (where unfortunately I failed). This weekend last year, I came home early to meet him after his Friday Touch training. This was the weekend he almost lost his eyeglasses at Sunken Garden. This was the weekend I experienced to sit in the middle of Sunken Garden under a clear, dark sky with the one I can say “I want.” This was the weekend we ate somewhere in Area 2. This was the weekend you first held my hand. This was the weekend you asked me if I wanted to ask something because the prior week we had a fight. This was the exact weekend your father arrived from the US. This was the weekend you weren’t able to meet me up after my law school examination because you had to accompany your father in buying a new fridge. Yes, this weekend a year ago is one of the happiest weekends of my life. I didn’t mind traveling for six to seven hours to see you. I didn’t give a fck on how much I will spend just to be with you. Yes, this weekend a year ago is one of the happiest weekends of my life. Pero kung anong kinasaya ko noon ay siyang kinalungkot ko ngayon. I hate to admit but that’s how clear my memory of everything is. And it still breaks me. It still hurts. I’m having a hard time putting myself together.

My lapses brought me here, writing at this hour, of what happened then.

I just hope they don’t come back, biting you too.